What Will You Leave Behind?

The last two faces I see at night before I go to sleep are those of my grandparents, Pappy Chuck and Grammy Theresa. I have a photo of them together on my beside table and it always makes me smile to see them together, as I know they are now in heaven.
When my grandmother passed away five years ago, my family joked that my grandfather was waiting for her at the kitchen table in heaven, and when she arrived, he'd say, "It's about time, Theresa! I'm hungry!"
My grandmother was old school and believed that dinner should be on the table for her husband when he got home from work. While I don't have as many memories of my grandfather as I do of my grandmother--he passed away when I was six--I do remember that he'd stare straight ahead while he ate at the table, which meant an entire meal of feeling uncomfortable for whoever say across from him! He'd also wait until the bread started growing mold before he'd eat it. To this day, I have no idea why.
And then there's my grandma. I miss her so much and think of her constantly, especially now that I'm a mom. I know Sebastian would have loved her and she would have loved spoiling him!
It's the little things that remind me most of her. Like the smell of fried onions, like those in her homemade pierogies. Pumpkin rolls that every one would buy from her for Thanksgiving. Pears, which were the very last thing I fed her before she passed away.
Bingo and yard sales, where you'd better not get in her way or try to overcharge her! Her famous punch bowl dessert, which my mom made this past 4th of July. Artificial Christmas trees, like the one I used to put together for her every year.
I miss her more and more as I get older and begin to truly appreciate who she was, the way she did things, her unconditional love. And I know I can't turn back time, but I wish I had been there more often, asked her about her childhood, how she met my grandfather, what she did when she realized she was going to be a mother. I wish I would have listened more.
But all I can do now is take what I have and hold on to it. I can look at her picture every night and see her smile, knowing that I can make memories with my son the way she made memories with me. Like the time we made funnel cake and the batter was too thick. Or the time we were making cookies and I spilled the contents of the mixing bowl, including an egg, onto her shoe and the floor.
I can talk to my son, even though he may not always be listening. I can tell him about the amazing woman who is his great grandmother. I can teach him to ask questions, to soak up every moment he has with his grandparents and great grandparents. With me and his daddy. Because one day, we will all be nothing more in this world than smiling faces in photos. But the memories we leave behind for those to hold onto are the most important things of all.

A Look Inside My Random Thoughts Part II

Pigs. Black and white pigs. Pig watering can. Ivy plant. Trellis. Morning glories. Blooms. Orlando Bloom. Pirates of the Caribbean. Vacation. Ocean. Sand. Sebastian. Lamp shade. Broken. iPhone. Blinking cursor. Ugh! Damn autocorrect!
That website is hilarious. Damnyouautocorrect.com. I could read those texts for hours. And textsfrombennett.tumblr.com. Ha! That site's great. A bit risqué, but hilarious nonetheless. Maybe we can visit that site tomorrow during "girls night."
Gotta get some wine tomorrow. Maybe a frozen harbor mist. Mmmm.
Damn. Wish I were home with a glass right now. And a good book. I really need to finish re-reading The Bridges of Madison County so I can finally start the Epilogue. Can't wait. Don't know when I'm gonna find the time though.
Shopping tomorrow, work Tuesday, picking dad up on Wednesday, NYC, Land of Make Believe, Philly, more work, car show, budget. Too much to do, too little time. Who hasn't heard that before, right?
I wonder if I'll ever get that dollar bill back that Michelle and I wrote our names on 5 or 6 years ago. She said we would. Haven't seen it yet. Saw her hubby today. Definitely have to send him a message on Facebook and make plans to get together. Might be a few months, but plans must be made! Along with Stu & Paula, Tiffany's new baby, Amanda's party...
So much to do. But ya know, I kinda like it. Always being busy with someone, doing something. And tomorrow I'll get to be busy with my little man. I missed him so much this weekend. But I know he had a good time, and I'm thankful I was able to help out at Kim's restaurant this weekend. I even got to help a family that had a son who didn't have much of an attention span. It's the little things that are so rewarding.

What's Your Obsessive Compulsive Behavior?

Obsessive compulsive disorder. While I don't have to do everything 14 times or only make right hand turns when driving, there are some things that drive me slightly insane. Like crooked picture frames. My Aunt Mel's house is full of them and she knows it. I try fixing them every time I go there and she just laughs. I think she does it on purpose.
A friend of mine has to have her toilet paper and paper towel rolls with the next sheet over the roll. I've seen her switch the paper towel roll when it was done otherwise. Apparently her husband purposely puts the toilet paper on the roll "backward" just because he knows it drives her nuts.
A girl I used to work with was crazy when it came to fortune cookies. She has an entire process she has to go through. First, she has to take the cookie that's furthest away from her. After breaking the cookie in half, she has to eat half of it before reading her fortune. I reached for "her" cookie once, unaware of her cookie craziness, and thought someone was being shot when she screamed "No!" and practically lunged for it.
So what are your "OCD" habits? PLEASE SHARE!

Zimmerman: Tired of Hearing His Name Yet?

Zimmerman. That name is very well known these days. It's associated with racism, murder, riots, justice, self defense...
Last night, a Facebook friend of mine posted a status that got a lot of attention and had me ranting a bit, as well. Apparently there is a video of Black Panther members threatening Zimmerman's life, which upset my friend. He believes that Treyvon Martin was killed in self defense.
And then there are those who don't. Many believe that Zimmerman murdered Martin simply because Martin was black. And here we are, back to square one.
There's no black and white here (no pun intended), but I believe that today, white people always have to be afraid that something they do or don't do is going to be considered racist or discriminatory.
There's affirmative action, Miss Black America, BET, Black History Month (which is American history)... I'm okay with this (with the exception of affirmative action, which I completely disagree with), but would it be okay to have a Miss White America? A White History Month? Absolutely not. Those involved would have their pants sued off their backsides and chances are, their great grandchildren would pay for it too, just as we pay for the fact that our white ancestors used black people as slaves 150 years ago.
Today, when a white person kills a black person, it's racism. But if a black person kills a white person, it's simply a random act of violence. Fifty years ago it was the other way around. It's not the fault of this generation of white people that black people were slaves or had to sit on the back of the bus or weren't allowed to go to college. It sucks that it happened and I don't agree with it on any level. But it's also not my fault that it happened simply because I am white.
We're all human beings whether we're black, white, red or otherwise. Let's move on and practice what we preach when asking for equal rights. Let's embrace each other as friends and neighbors. Who gives a damn if I'm white and you're black?
I am white. I don't hate you or think of you any differently simply because your skin is darker than mine. I don't think I'm any better than you are simply because your ancestors were slaves to white people.
So please, stop thinking that white people owe black people something because white people made black people suffer in the past. And stop thinking that black people are beneath white people because George Washington used black people as slaves.

A Look Inside My Random Thoughts

Seriously? He had to eat the entire box of shortbread cookies? Nice of him to think someone else might have wanted one. I really need sugar.
I should bring those grapes with me tonight so we can eat them before they go bad. He should have eaten them instead of all the damn cookies. Like he ate the entire container of strawberries.
I want to go to a water park Easier if I had contacts though. Land of Make Believe will be fun. Have to wait for dad to come home. His 5:30am flight back to Colorado is gonna be great. Gotta leave home at 2am. Good times.
Enclosed water slides freak me out. I was so excited. I'm in it. It's dark. There's water. No way out. How long is this damn slide? Will I know it's the end? Is this Hell? I see the light! It's over! Thank God!!
Maybe I'll throw everything on my dresser in the garbage. I have no idea what's even on it anymore so I probably won't miss anything.
Damn. I used the chicken. No chicken corn chowder for dinner I guess. It's Tuesday. Antique Road Show at Weis. I am not going there today. But I do need milk. I'll send Kev for it.
I wonder if the guy who plays Barney the Dinosaur really enjoys his job. I hope for his sake he doesn't hate his life and live alone in his mom's basement. I'm Googling him.
I should Google my name again. Hopefully the comment from someone's Xanga page in high school is no longer the first thing to show. How nice that was for strangers to see.
I really need to look into publishing my children's book.
I need more sugar.
Mmmm I wish I had Doritos and cream cheese. No wonder I can't lose weight. I probably gain it simply because I'm constantly thinking about eating.
I love food. That honey BBQ chicken wrap from PJW was de-lish.
I want something salty.

"What If" You Never Read This?

I think I speak for everyone when I say the question "What if?" just plain sucks.  Everyone can say that there's no point in asking yourself that question because you'll never know the answer. But let's face it: it's just not that easy. You want to know! No, we shouldn't waste our entire lives thinking about what might have been, but we all think about it nonetheless. So do we just force ourselves to stop asking the question? Or do we make sure we never have to ask it at all? For example, when I was in high school, there were a lot of activities I wanted to partake in but never did. What if I had? I probably would have made a lot of good friends and made a ton of memories. But I didn't and I've grown to accept that.  But then there are the tougher what ifs. Like, what if I had taken that job opportunity? Started my own business? Found a way to stay home with the kids? So I ask you this: is it better to take a risk and, with that, risk making a mistake? Or is it better to never know what might have been? And when is enough, enough? When is it time to say no more risks? Thoughts, please! Can't wait to hear some opinions!

Drop What You're Doing and Grab That Bubble Wand!

The other night while getting ice cream with my family, I ran into a friend from high school who said, "I love reading your blog!" I laughed and said, "I haven't written anything in so long!" She replied, "Well you should, because I love your writing." So here I am. A lot of things in my life have changed recently and just like everyone else, I always have something going on. Whether it's helping a friend pick out a wedding dress a week before her wedding, drying my cell phone in a bag of rice after my three-year-old "washed" it, taking my husband to the ER because he lost a fight with a riding lawn mower... Life happens. And sometimes you forget to stop and do the things you love doing. I love being a mommy and a wife. I love reading books and watching movies. I've found a new love of planting flowers and watching them grow. And I have always loved writing. But sometimes (okay, a lot of times as you can tell based on how long it's been since my last post), I don't take enough time to do the things I really love doing. I get caught up in a pile of laundry or a sink full of dishes. Sometimes I forget that I started the washer before even putting clothes in it because the dog got sick or my son fell and bumped his head. But that's life, isn't it? Life goes on and it doesn't wait for anyone. You can't add an extra hour to the end of your day to have a glass of wine because you spent too much time in the 24 hours you were given being stressed out over whether or not you'll have enough money to pay both the electric and the cable bills. You can't press pause and make your children wait to play a game of Go Fish because you need to clean the bathtub. You figure out what's more important. Can the dishes wait to be washed until you've taught your son how to make a paper airplane? Can the laundry sit in the washer until you've had a tea party with your daughter? Can the carpet wait to be vacuumed so you can have a cup of coffee while reading a chapter in that book you can't wait to finish? Absolutely. The saying "Don't put off 'til tomorrow what you can do today" doesn't always apply to work. It applies to life. The dishes will still be dirty in 30 minutes. The carpet will still be full of dog hair in an hour. The laundry will still need to be folded in the morning. But your children won't be young forever. And neither will you. So next time your child asks you to blow bubbles while you're carrying a load of laundry, put it down and pick up that bubble wand! The next time you pass that novel on the bookshelf as you make your way to the sink full of dirty dishes, stop and pick it up and read a chapter or two. And the next time a friend calls and tells you she reads your blog, give her something to read! You'll both be glad you did.