Tuesday, September 1, 2015

A Mommy's Unforgettable Beginning of Kindergarten

I created email accounts for both of my sons where I send photos of special occasions or random moments. When they're older, I'll give them the passwords to the accounts and we'll look back at all the memories together (I wonder if there will be enough storage space...).
Well, my oldest son started kindergarten yesterday and I have been a basket case of emotions (I know, I know: you're all shocked). I sat down tonight and decided to email him a letter, all about his first two days of school and all about the roller coaster of emotions that a mommy feels upon her baby's first day of kindergarten. Yes, I cried. Again.

Dear Sebastian,
Yesterday was your first day of Kindergarten! I snuck into your room the night before (and fought the overwhelming urge to crawl into bed with you) and saw you fast asleep with your monkeys snuggled against you underneath your Ninja Turtles tshirt and all I could do was cry. My baby boy is growing up so fast, yet there you are, asleep with the monkey that you haven't been without since you were six months old.
We drove you to school because we thought the bus driver missed your stop (turns out he picks you up on his way back) and after a quick hug and kiss, you were off, smiling with the teacher who walked you inside. I watched you all the way through the doors and you never looked back once. At work, I thought of you constantly and worried about things that only mommys worry about... Would you be able to open your snack by yourself? Would you be included in the conversation at lunch time? Would you have someone to sit with on the bus the next day since you only take the bus in the morning and not the afternoon? Would you know to raise your hand right away if you need to use the bathroom? Would you have fun?
But at the end of the day, I waited for you in the parking lot while daddy went inside to pick you up and when you came out smiling, everything was okay. You gave me an apple "cause parents are teachers, too!" and told me that you had Oreos after school. Your teacher is nice and a boy named Ben got yelled at already for telling the teacher no, but you wouldn't misbehave like he did because "I don't want to find out where the principal's office is!" You had art class with Mrs. D and you drew a picture of yourself as a red ninja.
In the cafeteria, there was food that you could buy and they had pizza, so you'd like to buy lunch there, too (you're starting tomorrow, which I'm sure I'll worry about!).
This morning you took the bus to school after another quick hug and kiss. You hopped on and took the first seat and then Codi slid in next to you. You blew me a kiss and the bus pulled away, leaving mommy behind to shed a few tears before heading to work to once again think of all the things you would be doing today.
When I got home you told me all about the cafeteria and how they had pizza, again! You went to the library and you had to be quiet there, but you got to pick out a book all by yourself. You chose "Owen" and we read it tonight before bed with Noah (who was trying to bite your chin!).
You have gym class tomorrow and you think you'll go to the basketball courts. You chose an orange tangerine juice box and pretzel sticks with cheese dip for your afternoon snack (you eat lunch at 10:35!), and you'd like to have pizza for lunch (surprise!).
And mommy cries. Because I feel like my baby boy is growing up too fast. I can't even blink without missing the little moments that are so important. I remember the first moment I held you and even before that, the first time I heard your heart beat.
So how did you get to be a big boy, riding the school bus and buying your own lunch? How did five years pass by so quickly? And why can't it just. slow. down?
Tomorrow is your third day already and before I know it, it will be your last day of kindergarten, your first day of high school, your last day of college, your wedding day... Because time just keeps on passing us by.
And THAT is why mommy cries. Not because I worry about you. I DO worry about you, but that's not why I cry, because I know that you'll be just fine. I cry because my baby isn't a baby anymore. I cry because you're getting older so quickly and I don't want to miss a moment. I cry because I DO miss things, things I can't get back.
And I cry because I'm pregnant and hormonal, but we'll save that story for another time (which I'm sure we'll be able to laugh about later. I hope so anyway.  I can be pretty... crazy these days.).
Anyway, I love you so much and no matter if you're in kindergarten or high school, college or a retirement home, you will always be my baby boy and I will never stop thinking about you when we're a part.
And hopefully one day you'll understand why it hurt me so much to send you to your room or put you in a timeout, to leave the carnival without allowing you to go on the rides or make you watch your friends at karate do the balloon toss while you sat out. It hurts me because I hate to see you hurt. It breaks my heart because those are moments that neither you nor I are ever going to get back to enjoy.
But! This isn't a sad story! I am proud of you and your confidence! I'm proud of your feelings for others and the way you want to make sure all the kids at school have a "partner" to do things with like you have Codi (because you ride the same bus and you're in the same class). I'm proud of the young man you are becoming, even though sometimes I have to repeat myself or send you to your room.
I'm excited for all that this year will have to offer you and I can't wait for all the ways I know we'll be able to spend time together; like open house next week! I can't wait for you to show me your classroom and introduce me to your teacher!
Okay! Okay! Enough! I love you so much, always and forever!
Love, Mama xoxo