I Want My Mama

I'm moving away from the only place I've ever known. Five hundred miles away. While I must admit that I am so excited to start a new life in a new home in a new town, I am also completely terrified. I'm moving 500 miles away from my birthplace, my hometown, my very first everything. And I'm moving away from so many people I love... my eight-year-old neice, my brother and sister, my grandparents, best friend, aunts and uncles. I'm moving 500 miles away from my mom, and I'm taking her grandchildren with me.
My heart has been breaking since my husband and I discussed the possibility of moving after he was offered a better job in North Carolina. There are so many things to be grateful for that come along with this move. Not only will we get to enjoy a lower cost of living, but we'll also be closer to my in-laws, who moved to NC more than 10 years ago. I truly am excited for this new journey on which our family is about to embark. But I need my mama.
My parents come over for dinner every Tuesday night. Together my mom and I go grocery shopping, we visit my brother, help Sebastian with his homework, cook dinner, bake cookies. My parents go to the zoo with my family every Mother's Day. We spend every holiday together. Sure, they can come visit. But how am I going to get by without my mom being a short 20-minute drive away?
I know I'll survive. My parents will visit us, we'll visit them, and I can call my mom every day. But this is one of the biggest changes I have ever had to face and I am so overwhelmed. There are so many things to do in a month's time (the shortest month of the year, nonetheless) and I just don't wanna! I know, I'm being a big baby. And I know that my next post (maybe less than a year and a half from now!) will describe how much we're enjoying the warmer weather, the lower housing costs, and most importantly, the memories we'll be making with my husband's father, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I truly am excited and a part of me can not wait to be decorating our new home in a town where WE are the ones with an accent! But that little girl inside of me just needs her mommy. ❤

A Mommy's Unforgettable Beginning of Kindergarten

I created email accounts for both of my sons where I send photos of special occasions or random moments. When they're older, I'll give them the passwords to the accounts and we'll look back at all the memories together (I wonder if there will be enough storage space...).
Well, my oldest son started kindergarten yesterday and I have been a basket case of emotions (I know, I know: you're all shocked). I sat down tonight and decided to email him a letter, all about his first two days of school and all about the roller coaster of emotions that a mommy feels upon her baby's first day of kindergarten. Yes, I cried. Again.

Dear Sebastian,
Yesterday was your first day of Kindergarten! I snuck into your room the night before (and fought the overwhelming urge to crawl into bed with you) and saw you fast asleep with your monkeys snuggled against you underneath your Ninja Turtles tshirt and all I could do was cry. My baby boy is growing up so fast, yet there you are, asleep with the monkey that you haven't been without since you were six months old.
We drove you to school because we thought the bus driver missed your stop (turns out he picks you up on his way back) and after a quick hug and kiss, you were off, smiling with the teacher who walked you inside. I watched you all the way through the doors and you never looked back once. At work, I thought of you constantly and worried about things that only mommys worry about... Would you be able to open your snack by yourself? Would you be included in the conversation at lunch time? Would you have someone to sit with on the bus the next day since you only take the bus in the morning and not the afternoon? Would you know to raise your hand right away if you need to use the bathroom? Would you have fun?
But at the end of the day, I waited for you in the parking lot while daddy went inside to pick you up and when you came out smiling, everything was okay. You gave me an apple "cause parents are teachers, too!" and told me that you had Oreos after school. Your teacher is nice and a boy named Ben got yelled at already for telling the teacher no, but you wouldn't misbehave like he did because "I don't want to find out where the principal's office is!" You had art class with Mrs. D and you drew a picture of yourself as a red ninja.
In the cafeteria, there was food that you could buy and they had pizza, so you'd like to buy lunch there, too (you're starting tomorrow, which I'm sure I'll worry about!).
This morning you took the bus to school after another quick hug and kiss. You hopped on and took the first seat and then Codi slid in next to you. You blew me a kiss and the bus pulled away, leaving mommy behind to shed a few tears before heading to work to once again think of all the things you would be doing today.
When I got home you told me all about the cafeteria and how they had pizza, again! You went to the library and you had to be quiet there, but you got to pick out a book all by yourself. You chose "Owen" and we read it tonight before bed with Noah (who was trying to bite your chin!).
You have gym class tomorrow and you think you'll go to the basketball courts. You chose an orange tangerine juice box and pretzel sticks with cheese dip for your afternoon snack (you eat lunch at 10:35!), and you'd like to have pizza for lunch (surprise!).
And mommy cries. Because I feel like my baby boy is growing up too fast. I can't even blink without missing the little moments that are so important. I remember the first moment I held you and even before that, the first time I heard your heart beat.
So how did you get to be a big boy, riding the school bus and buying your own lunch? How did five years pass by so quickly? And why can't it just. slow. down?
Tomorrow is your third day already and before I know it, it will be your last day of kindergarten, your first day of high school, your last day of college, your wedding day... Because time just keeps on passing us by.
And THAT is why mommy cries. Not because I worry about you. I DO worry about you, but that's not why I cry, because I know that you'll be just fine. I cry because my baby isn't a baby anymore. I cry because you're getting older so quickly and I don't want to miss a moment. I cry because I DO miss things, things I can't get back.
And I cry because I'm pregnant and hormonal, but we'll save that story for another time (which I'm sure we'll be able to laugh about later. I hope so anyway.  I can be pretty... crazy these days.).
Anyway, I love you so much and no matter if you're in kindergarten or high school, college or a retirement home, you will always be my baby boy and I will never stop thinking about you when we're a part.
And hopefully one day you'll understand why it hurt me so much to send you to your room or put you in a timeout, to leave the carnival without allowing you to go on the rides or make you watch your friends at karate do the balloon toss while you sat out. It hurts me because I hate to see you hurt. It breaks my heart because those are moments that neither you nor I are ever going to get back to enjoy.
But! This isn't a sad story! I am proud of you and your confidence! I'm proud of your feelings for others and the way you want to make sure all the kids at school have a "partner" to do things with like you have Codi (because you ride the same bus and you're in the same class). I'm proud of the young man you are becoming, even though sometimes I have to repeat myself or send you to your room.
I'm excited for all that this year will have to offer you and I can't wait for all the ways I know we'll be able to spend time together; like open house next week! I can't wait for you to show me your classroom and introduce me to your teacher!
Okay! Okay! Enough! I love you so much, always and forever!
Love, Mama xoxo

Ten Things I'm Thankful For

Excuse my language, but I must admit, I bitch a lot. Lately my rants have been all about how people feel the need to create problems where there are none; toys and gender, women walking around topless because men do, a Catholic priest refusing to perform a marriage ceremony for a gay couple... The list goes on.
My point has nothing to do with any of these topics, as I'd like to save my rants for another day. Today, I'd like to stop my bitching and list just 10 things that I am thankful for...
1. This moment. Right now, I am cuddling with my nine-month-old baby boy, who is snoring so perfectly in my ear, as my unborn daughter kicks and stretches in my belly.
2. Sebastian, my five-year-old, who makes me laugh every single day, even though he sometimes drives me crazy.
3. AC! A luxury that I am so grateful for, especially during thsee dog days of August when I am waddling around, pregnant and uncomfortable.
4. Clean water. Warm water. Cool water. Whichever I desire, I have clean, running water to drink, to bathe in.
5. A safe place to raise my children. Tragic things can happen anywhere, at any time. But my neighborhood isn't the scene of drive-by shootings or suicide bombings. Thanks be to God that I have been given this blessing that so many others are denied.
6. My job. I am not a millionaire and I am not able to stay home with my children like I'd love to do. But I have a job when so many others do not. My husband and I may struggle sometimes to make ends meet, but we do it by the grace of God, because we both have the opportunity to work.
7. Healthy food for my family to eat. It may not always be the most nutritious, but it's healthy and store-bought. I don't have to dig in a dumpster for my next meal and I can't even begin to imagine if I had to.
8. I'm able to make other people smile. I'm sure sometimes people want to tell me to shutup. But when I'm not being a huge PITA by ranting or being a hormonal pregnant woman, I make people laugh. And that makes me feel like I'm doing something right.
9. My husband is a morning person! I am not a morning person and I struggle every day to get out of bed on time. He, on the other hand, jumps up when his alarm sounds and begins his day. Because he knows I have a hard time getting a move on, he makes my coffee and brings it to me in bed; puts together lunch for me; takes the kids lunches, bags, etc. out to my car so I only have to carry the baby and my purse; wakes Sebastian and gets his breakfast ready while he dresses; and gets himself ready for work. He does all of this in an hour and it makes my day so much easier. Today he had to he to work a few hours earlier and, what do you know, I was late to work because I had to do it all on my own!
10. The amazing people in my life. My true friends, my family, my clients who are some of the kindest and most generous people I have ever met. I certainly couldn't get through each day without them.
God has truly blessed me and I have so much to be thankful for, but I'll leave it at this for now. What are you thankful for?

Describe the Light...

Writing prompt: Describe the light.
The light in my bedroom every night is cast by our video monitor, which is a truly awesome thing to have for our kids. Yet the light, for me, is a distraction. It doesn't bother my husband, who can fall asleep on command and just snores away, but I believe it's one of the reasons I can't stay asleep at night--add in the discomforts of being in the my third trimester of pregnancy and I barely sleep at all. Hence, it's almost 3am as I write this.
Now, I know I'm going to be crazy tired when my alarm goes off in a few hours and I'm going to have to force myself out of bed (my husband can also wake up and immediately get out of bed on command). But, what else can you do when you can't fall back asleep?
So, back to the light. Can I get some reader involvement with this one? I see my Facebook friends answering random questions all the time and I've had many of you tell me that you miss reading my blog when I'm not actively writing. However, I rarely see any comments, likes, etc. So, I ask you to simply, "describe the light." Interpret that as you will.

What's in a Dream?

Kevin and I are driving down the highway on a crisp fall day, the sun shining brightly, not a cloud in the sky. We pass a hospital as a helicopter is getting ready to land on the roof. I point it out to Kevin, who's focused on the road. Another hospital is ahead. This one, too, will be having a helicopter land on its roof within minutes.
We continue driving down the long highway and an airplane is falling quickly from the sky, not in a nose dive, but in a roll, wing over wing. Smoke begins pouring from the engines.
Something is very wrong. I have a gut wrenching feeling that the world is about to be thrown into chaos.
The road we're driving on is no longer made of black top, but an electronic screen that now looks like the ocean, except for the glitches that cause the screen to go blank. There are animated sharks and schools of fish. But unlike the pavement, the screen isn't flat. It is rising and falling like waves, throwing vehicles in every direction as drivers fail to keep control.
All the vehicles are now afloat as the screen turns to water and we are tossed upon the raging waves.

And then I wake up.

Reminders of the Ones We Love

I walked into my bedroom tonight and stopped in my tracks. For just a second, it smelled exactly the way my grandmother's sheets had always smelled. I can't describe it any other way. I took a second sniff of the air, but the scent had gone. I smiled and continued on, as I am sure this was my grandmother's way of telling me that she's with me.
Whenever I'm going through a rough time, my grandmother always makes her presence known. A few years ago I was struggling with some very stressful things, so I went to my grandmother's grave and talked to her. I asked that she would send me a sign to let me know that everything would be okay. Because I always question everything, I was more specific. "Send me a yellow butterfly."
I waited a little while and looked around, but saw nothing. I didn't want to lose hope, but it was hard to have faith when I felt like I was hitting rock bottom. I got in my car and drove away.
Shortly before I arrived home, a yellow butterfly landed on my windshield, rested for a few seconds, then flew away. Just when I was least expecting it. And so I have seen many yellow butterflies since, but it often happens when I'm worried about something and I feel a little lost. Seeing that yellow butterfly, a sure sign for me of my grandmother's presence, reminds me that everything is going to be okay. It also reminds me that no matter how much I miss her, she's always here with me.
Have your loved ones who have passed sent you signs that they're with you?

A Look Inside My Random Thoughts Part III

Lemon lime glucola. Better than orange, but still disgusting. I feel like a kid on Halloween after eating too much candy. I want to go for a walk to lower my blood sugar so I can pass this damn test, but unfortunately I can't leave the waiting room and it's not big enough to do a few laps in. So I guess I just have to hope and pray, which I'm doing a lot of. I really don't want to deal with these nutritionalists...

Boy, am I hungry. A stick of string cheese and 32 oz. of water really isn't a very satisfying breakfast. Could be worse...

I hope I make it back home in time to go along with my son to karate!

I still need to make a covered dish for my family reunion today. I want to make my grandmother's punch bowl dessert, but I always end up crying because it's not the same. Oh, how I miss her. I wish she were here to meet her great grandchildren. To spoil them with every treasure they find at all the yard sales and teach them how to play bingo and show them how to bake cookies and make funnel cake... 

Mmmm... nope, nevermind. I want nothing to do with anything made with sugar or carbs right now. The thought alone... ewe. This glucola makes it hard to think of anything else.

Walkin' on walkin' on broken glass!

I still have to get that window fixed. Oh, and that window... good times.

Thirty three minutes until I can get pricked and be on my way. Oh! Thirty two! Even better!

Thirty two. That's how many teeth were on the gear of the part for the window that I can't roll down. I've had some luck with car windows! I know the windows in my Mustang worked properly because my passengers had to climb through the window to get in. Ahhh, I miss that car. 

And my LeBaron. That window was a pain in the ass. And the loud exhaust... or lack of. But it was a convertible! Perfect for cool summer nights and crisp fall days. I miss that car, too...

This place is jumping! Lots of people getting blood drawn. And at least one other person has to drink that liquid nastiness. The taste I can deal with, but My Lanta, how horribly it makes me feel... yuck.

I just want to go home and eat toast and go back to sleep for a little while. 

Hey! That women's belly is as big as mine and she's due the same time I am! I wonder if people remind her a thousand times a day how "big" she is. "You're never going to make it to October." "Are you sure there aren't twins in there?" "I think they got your date wrong."

I think you're rude. That's what I think. Why do people think that seeing a pregnant woman gives them the right to comment on her weight and size?

I found out I was pregnant with my third child when my second was only three months old. I didn't lose any baby weight in between in case it's any of your business. Oh, and if you're really interested, again, because my son was only three months old when I found out I was expecting baby number three, I am 100 percent positive that my due date is not wrong.

I wonder when she'll be born. Early I'm sure, but I also tend to jinx things. My luck she'll stay in that cozy little home until I'm 43 weeks along or something crazy. Nah, the doctor will probably tell me she's huge like they said Noah was. Ha! He arrived and weighed less than they thought he had three weeks prior. Good thing. I was scared I was going to be delivering a 10 lb. baby. Better to think big in the long run!

Wow, that kid is loud. Makes me feel better about Sebastian's craziness in public. Generally he's pretty good, but he is a five year old boy with a lot of energy! Come to think of it, he did yell pretty loudly last time he was here with me. But he was saying thank you so at least he was using his manners!

Soooo sleepy! It's like drinking a crappy energy drink and crashing a half an hour later. Ooh! Only 15 minutes left!

I think I'll go to the bathroom and do some jumping jacks or something. Maybe that will do the trick. I really don't want to do the three-hour test. THAT is a real pain!

Well, I'm off to get pricked! Hey, now that I think of it... they never tested my sugar to begin with to make sure it wasn't too high or low for me to do the test in the first place! Good times.