All Because She's Proud of Me

If no one ever took risks, Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor. -Neil Simon

I checked my mail this morning (apparently I forgot to do so on Saturday) and was pleasantly not-so-surprised to find a letter from a friend. The letter itself meant so much to me, but the most important words were, "I'm proud of you."
I don't hear this often, so after everything we've been through since we decided to move our family to another state, I couldn't help but smile and blink away a few tears.
I am the type of person who needs constant reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. So when Kevin and I made the decision to pack up our family and move 500 miles away from everything I've ever known, I was beyond uncertain, scared, excited, heartbroken. Completely and utterly overwhelmed.
Was I doing the right thing for my family? Would my mother hate me for taking her three grandbabies so far away from her? What if my grandparents get sick? Will Sebastian experience a culture shock, moving from a rather small mostly-white community to a very diverse suburb on the outskirts of a big city? Will I be able to find a job if I need to, in a place where I don't know a single soul? I've always had at least a connection or two whenever I started a new job "up home."
So many questions unanswered. No reassurance that I was doing the best thing. But I knew. Deep down I knew that this is what our family needed. The time had come when our income was lower than our expenses. So when Kevin was offered a job making more money in a community where the cost-of-living was so much less than what we were used to... I would have been stupid, not to mention a bad parent, to talk myself out of it.
Indeed I did try. When it came time to say goodbye to my closest friend. My grandfather, crying for the first time since I was small. My mom. My children's Mum Mum. Crying. Heartbroken. When I had to tell her to leave because I couldn't bear to see her falling to pieces any longer. Knowing it was all my fault. "Just go!"
I tried to talk myself out of it. Just stay. Unload the truck. Put the pictures back on the wall. Put the coffee maker back on the counter and brew a cup for mom. Tell her you can't do it. You can't live without her being any farther than a 30-minute drive away. You can't live without your best friend, just a couple towns away to be there for you whenever you need a quick escape from the walls of your own home. Don't do it. You don't have to do it.
But I did it. Despite the absolute fear of the unknown, I took the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken in my entire life, and fell. Over and over again I fell. But every time, I got back up. I hyperventilated. I cried. I had anxiety attack after anxiety attack. I yelled. I sobbed. I gave the silent treatment. I turned the radio on and sang away my sorrows.
And hear I am, sitting by my fireplace all alone while the littles are asleep, knowing that this journey to a better life is far from over. But, son of a bitch! I did it! I DID IT! I looked fear in the face and I flipped it the bird! I'd be lying if I said he didn't spit in my face and kick me while I was down, but I still told him to kiss my ass!
"I'm proud of you." I am proud of myself. I'm proud of my husband. God knows how crazy it must have been for him! To leave his job of ten years! To start over in a brand new place, so foreign and fast paced (the job, not the south). But he's doing it. He's doing it for us. We're doing it.
Life has been hard. But my God has it been so good. And now I know that I'm not always going to have reassurance. Every single person I love will not always agree with my decisions. And I don't "need" them to. Sure, I'm going to want it. But even when I can not see the top of the staircase, I will keep climbing.

What a Beautiful Day for Heartbreak

It's beautiful here today in North Carolina. It's 64 degrees, the sun is shining, and there isn't a cloud in the sky.
The house is filled with the aroma of citrus and spices, along with the voice of Nathaniel Ratecliff on the radio. Sebastian's at school, Kevin's at work, Noah's napping, and Avery's eating her lunch.
Laika and I are sitting on the deck, listening to the birds calling to one another.
It really is a beautiful day.
But it's one of those days for me. I miss my mom and I just keep picturing her crying over Noah on my living room floor as he slept the night we said goodbye. My heart is broken.
I'm trying to be positive and I know this move was best, but it's really hard. I just try to keep busy so my thoughts aren't constantly racing.
I know it'll get better with time. But today, I just want to cry.

Chaos Ensues! Oh, the Irony!

I knew it was too good to be true. Every night I wake up at least one time before 1am and 3am. I take a drink of water from my bedside table, toss and turn, and eventually scroll through Facebook until I fall asleep again.
My first five--yes, five!--nights in our new home were completely uninterrupted. Until tonight. I knew all along it must have been exhaustion and stress weighing on me, and sure enough, I think I've finally returned to my "normal" sleep pattern. Ugh.
So as you might have guessed, the craziness has not stopped. After we found a house here in NC, we returned to PA with my father-in-law, "Big Kev," so he could drive our moving truck to NC while my husband, Kevin, and I drove our personal vehicles. As we got into bed the first night back in PA, Kevin realized he forgot to lock the back of the truck, which we had already begun loading with our belongings. And thank God he did.
When Kevin and I went downstairs, Big Kev was sitting up on our couch, saying he didn't feel well. He followed us outside because he felt like he was going to be sick, then told us it felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest. I knew he was having a heart attack, but all of my in-laws are stubborn, so he said he was fine. Needless to say we took him to the ER, and sure enough, he was having a heart attack.
Not only were we worried about my father-in-law, but we were running on about 6 hours of sleep over the previous three days, and now we had three vehicles to two drivers. It was decided that Kevin would leave his truck in PA at my uncle's so Kevin could drive the moving truck to NC, and we'd come back in a week or two to pick it up. No biggy. Then the chaos with the moving truck happened.
Upon renting the truck, Kevin questioned whether the driver needed a CDL because it had air brakes. The woman at the rental company assure him it did not, so my husband drove the truck home. A day or two later, my uncle, who has a CDL, questioned it again. Not only did the truck have air brakes, but once it was loaded, even just a little bit, the truck was overweight to be driven by a non-CDL holder. Fantastic. We called the company again and this time we were told, "Oh, I guess you're right." I guess you're right?! You guess?! Now we either needed a CDL driver to drive our moving truck, or we needed two non-CDL trucks, which--of course--the rental company didn't have. Lovely.
My uncle couldn't get off work. My grandfather couldn't get off work. If my father-in-law were cleared by the doctor to drive by our moving date, he no longer had his CDL. Now what?
The rental company agreed to give us two more days because of their error. Too bad I couldn't get my CDL in that time frame! Kevin called his grandparents in NC, who mentioned two cousins with CDLs; one in PA, and one in NC. Grandma called cousin Donny in NC, who was just pulling out of the lot at his job to take a load to Long Island. He turned his tractor-trailer around, told his boss he had a family emergency, and agreed to come to PA that night to drive our moving truck for us. I am still unbelievably grateful and simply amazed by this incredibly selfless act. I could write an entire post on this act itself.
But how would Donny get to PA without bringing yet another vehicle without a driver? We later learned that Big Kev wasn't going to be released from the hospital for another day, hours after we had planned on leaving for NC. So Big Kevin's parents and fiancée, Regina, along with Donny, piled into Regina's car and headed north. Regina and gram would wait at the hospital until Big Kev was released, grandpa would ride with me to NC, and Donny would drive the truck. Kevin would follow a few hours later with his pickup, as he needed to get an alignment (another long story), and no one could do it on a Sunday.
Grandpa and I left Monday morning a bit after 5am, and Donny followed shortly after 7. A few hours into our trip, Kevin called to say he couldn't get an alignment because he needed to replace his universal joint. At this point, I just laughed out loud, and Grandpa joined in. What more could go wrong? I had to ask... Shortly after, Kev informed us that the "few" remaining things that hadn't fit inside the moving truck--a 26 footer!!--would not fit in his pickup. Rather than spending even more money on a trailer, Kevin took the two or three loads of stuff to my parents' house, almost 30 minutes away. Needless to say, he wasn't getting out of PA that night.
He finally arrived in NC around 2:30 the following afternoon, after getting two or three hours of sleep before making the nine-hour drive.
Since we've moved into our new home, we've had the plumber here twice, the fireplace fill our home with smoke, and the washer spray water all over the basement. Good times. Oh, and the kicker... residential moving trucks do not require a CDL driver. Isn't it ironic?
While I'd love to end there, I must say, this entire ordeal has made me realize just how many amazing people we have in our lives, and we are truly grateful to each and every one who have helped us in one way or another. And while it seems as though we keep getting kicked while we're down, not only do I know it could always be worse, but I am a firm believer that when God has a plan for you, the devil himself will step in and try to do whatever he can to stand in your way. But I assure you, the good Lord will provide!

We Have a Home!

We have a home!! As of February 27th, my family will be living in Winston-Salem, North Carolina! It has been a long and bumpy ride--and it isn't over yet!--but we are so grateful for the people who have made this possible for us.
After the first house we had lined up fell through, I filled out a rental application through a realtor, whom I called and explained our situation. My sister-in-law drove me and my husband to the realtor's office yesterday, where we learned that FIVE other people filled out applications for the same property that morning! We needed to kick it into high gear.
Our realtor, Kellie, needed to speak with our current landlord to confirm our information, and the home would be ours. The only problem was, she couldn't get in touch with either of the landlords; brothers who also own a restaurant and a landscaping company, and are usually too busy to answer their phones right away.
If any of the five applicants were approved to rent the property, it would be promised to whomever delivered the security deposit to the realtor first. The clock was ticking.
My husband, Kevin, called both brothers and was successful at getting in touch with one of them! Kellie spoke to him, but unfortunately, he was unable to confirm our information at the time, as his business manager takes care of everything. He said he'd call Kellie first thing in the morning with our information. Needless to say, I was stressing. We needed this place and we were running on empty.
At 9am today, Kellie called Kevin. She had yet to hear from our landlord. So, I went right to the source. I called the business manager, explained our predicament, and she ensured us that she would call Kellie right away. Thankfully, she did. At 10:30am, our application was approved! But, we still had to deliver the security deposit before any other applicants had the chance to do so.
I was ready to go, but Kevin "needed" to wash his grandfather's van. So I waited... and waited.
We finally arrived at the realty office two hours later to pay our deposit. It turns out, another application had just been approved, but Kellie hadn't informed them yet because she was busy with other phone calls and paperwork. The house was ours!
I firmly belive that everything happens for a reason. Things didn't work out with the first property because it wasn't meant to be. It was frustrating and disappointing, but in the end, everything worked out, and we'll be moving into a cute little home on Monday.
Check back in the coming days to continue following us on this exciting journey!

Aint Nobody Got Time Fo' Dat!

So our journey to North Carolina is beginning! And what kind of journey would it be without starting off with a huge road block?
Kevin and I found a house, close to his grandparents' home and just a half an hour from his new job. My sister-in-law, Tina, gave us a tour of the home via FB Messenger on Monday and we spoke to the owner afterward, who said the house was ours! All we had to do was send the security deposit to Tina on Friday, who would then have a paper signed by the owner stating the deposit was received and we would move in on Monday, February 28th.
Friday came and Kevin called the owner, who proceeded to tell him that the home had been rented to someone else, "but I have plenty of mobile homes available for rent."
Are you kidding me?! Needles to say we are nothing short of outraged. A mobile home will not suffice for our family of five, but even if it would, there is no way I would ever rent a home from this poor excuse for a man.
So here we are, a week before our moving date, without a house. Over the course of this next week, we must finish packing, make a quick two-day trip to North Carolina to hopefully find and secure a home, obtain a salvaged title for Kevin's truck so we're able to drive it to NC, host our going-away get-together on Saturday night, pack the moving truck on Sunday, and leave for NC on Monday morning. Is this even possible?!
So here I am, so stressed out and worried that I'm not even sure where to begin. All I really want to do is sip a glass of wine while soaking in a bubble bath. Unfortunately, "Ain't nobody got time fo' dat!"
Follow our journey to NC here at 56 Sarah Street, and hopefully the next post will be full of good news rather than additional road blocks and detours! And if any of you are so inclined to help us pack and load the moving truck, you will not have to ask us twice! ;)

I Want My Mama

I'm moving away from the only place I've ever known. Five hundred miles away. While I must admit that I am so excited to start a new life in a new home in a new town, I am also completely terrified. I'm moving 500 miles away from my birthplace, my hometown, my very first everything. And I'm moving away from so many people I love... my eight-year-old neice, my brother and sister, my grandparents, best friend, aunts and uncles. I'm moving 500 miles away from my mom, and I'm taking her grandchildren with me.
My heart has been breaking since my husband and I discussed the possibility of moving after he was offered a better job in North Carolina. There are so many things to be grateful for that come along with this move. Not only will we get to enjoy a lower cost of living, but we'll also be closer to my in-laws, who moved to NC more than 10 years ago. I truly am excited for this new journey on which our family is about to embark. But I need my mama.
My parents come over for dinner every Tuesday night. Together my mom and I go grocery shopping, we visit my brother, help Sebastian with his homework, cook dinner, bake cookies. My parents go to the zoo with my family every Mother's Day. We spend every holiday together. Sure, they can come visit. But how am I going to get by without my mom being a short 20-minute drive away?
I know I'll survive. My parents will visit us, we'll visit them, and I can call my mom every day. But this is one of the biggest changes I have ever had to face and I am so overwhelmed. There are so many things to do in a month's time (the shortest month of the year, nonetheless) and I just don't wanna! I know, I'm being a big baby. And I know that my next post (maybe less than a year and a half from now!) will describe how much we're enjoying the warmer weather, the lower housing costs, and most importantly, the memories we'll be making with my husband's father, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I truly am excited and a part of me can not wait to be decorating our new home in a town where WE are the ones with an accent! But that little girl inside of me just needs her mommy. ❤

A Mommy's Unforgettable Beginning of Kindergarten

I created email accounts for both of my sons where I send photos of special occasions or random moments. When they're older, I'll give them the passwords to the accounts and we'll look back at all the memories together (I wonder if there will be enough storage space...).
Well, my oldest son started kindergarten yesterday and I have been a basket case of emotions (I know, I know: you're all shocked). I sat down tonight and decided to email him a letter, all about his first two days of school and all about the roller coaster of emotions that a mommy feels upon her baby's first day of kindergarten. Yes, I cried. Again.

Dear Sebastian,
Yesterday was your first day of Kindergarten! I snuck into your room the night before (and fought the overwhelming urge to crawl into bed with you) and saw you fast asleep with your monkeys snuggled against you underneath your Ninja Turtles tshirt and all I could do was cry. My baby boy is growing up so fast, yet there you are, asleep with the monkey that you haven't been without since you were six months old.
We drove you to school because we thought the bus driver missed your stop (turns out he picks you up on his way back) and after a quick hug and kiss, you were off, smiling with the teacher who walked you inside. I watched you all the way through the doors and you never looked back once. At work, I thought of you constantly and worried about things that only mommys worry about... Would you be able to open your snack by yourself? Would you be included in the conversation at lunch time? Would you have someone to sit with on the bus the next day since you only take the bus in the morning and not the afternoon? Would you know to raise your hand right away if you need to use the bathroom? Would you have fun?
But at the end of the day, I waited for you in the parking lot while daddy went inside to pick you up and when you came out smiling, everything was okay. You gave me an apple "cause parents are teachers, too!" and told me that you had Oreos after school. Your teacher is nice and a boy named Ben got yelled at already for telling the teacher no, but you wouldn't misbehave like he did because "I don't want to find out where the principal's office is!" You had art class with Mrs. D and you drew a picture of yourself as a red ninja.
In the cafeteria, there was food that you could buy and they had pizza, so you'd like to buy lunch there, too (you're starting tomorrow, which I'm sure I'll worry about!).
This morning you took the bus to school after another quick hug and kiss. You hopped on and took the first seat and then Codi slid in next to you. You blew me a kiss and the bus pulled away, leaving mommy behind to shed a few tears before heading to work to once again think of all the things you would be doing today.
When I got home you told me all about the cafeteria and how they had pizza, again! You went to the library and you had to be quiet there, but you got to pick out a book all by yourself. You chose "Owen" and we read it tonight before bed with Noah (who was trying to bite your chin!).
You have gym class tomorrow and you think you'll go to the basketball courts. You chose an orange tangerine juice box and pretzel sticks with cheese dip for your afternoon snack (you eat lunch at 10:35!), and you'd like to have pizza for lunch (surprise!).
And mommy cries. Because I feel like my baby boy is growing up too fast. I can't even blink without missing the little moments that are so important. I remember the first moment I held you and even before that, the first time I heard your heart beat.
So how did you get to be a big boy, riding the school bus and buying your own lunch? How did five years pass by so quickly? And why can't it just. slow. down?
Tomorrow is your third day already and before I know it, it will be your last day of kindergarten, your first day of high school, your last day of college, your wedding day... Because time just keeps on passing us by.
And THAT is why mommy cries. Not because I worry about you. I DO worry about you, but that's not why I cry, because I know that you'll be just fine. I cry because my baby isn't a baby anymore. I cry because you're getting older so quickly and I don't want to miss a moment. I cry because I DO miss things, things I can't get back.
And I cry because I'm pregnant and hormonal, but we'll save that story for another time (which I'm sure we'll be able to laugh about later. I hope so anyway.  I can be pretty... crazy these days.).
Anyway, I love you so much and no matter if you're in kindergarten or high school, college or a retirement home, you will always be my baby boy and I will never stop thinking about you when we're a part.
And hopefully one day you'll understand why it hurt me so much to send you to your room or put you in a timeout, to leave the carnival without allowing you to go on the rides or make you watch your friends at karate do the balloon toss while you sat out. It hurts me because I hate to see you hurt. It breaks my heart because those are moments that neither you nor I are ever going to get back to enjoy.
But! This isn't a sad story! I am proud of you and your confidence! I'm proud of your feelings for others and the way you want to make sure all the kids at school have a "partner" to do things with like you have Codi (because you ride the same bus and you're in the same class). I'm proud of the young man you are becoming, even though sometimes I have to repeat myself or send you to your room.
I'm excited for all that this year will have to offer you and I can't wait for all the ways I know we'll be able to spend time together; like open house next week! I can't wait for you to show me your classroom and introduce me to your teacher!
Okay! Okay! Enough! I love you so much, always and forever!
Love, Mama xoxo